I was probably my most depressed and suicidal age 14-15. I had a lot of things going on in my life at that point. There was so much stress from school, family, friends, and life it felt like I was drowning and no one could see or cared. I was in a dark place... no one really knew it. But I was fighting a lot of inner demons.
I was a freshman/sophomore in high school, with homework in most classes. I didn't have a place to escape from the craziness that had been my life. I wanted an escape, a way out.
One night I told myself that I would finally just end it all to get away.
As I sat in my room and thought about how I would kill myself, a thought kept creeping into my head. My mom...
What would happen to my mom if I was suddenly gone?
I stopped to think about the answer. I didn't have a definite answer... but I mentally saw my mom devastated. Just crying endlessly crying. That scared me, my family we don't show our emotions with one another unless it's something super extreme. At this point in time our family was not close as we are now. Sure we talked, but we never talked about our feelings, ever.
But that one thought, of my mom. It stopped me that time.
I tried to keep afloat in the ocean of craziness. Somethings in life got harder, my dad's health became a big piece of concern. My grandpa's further health decline was another.
Time, time was running out for my grandpa, he had been bedridden at for about two years, at this point. My family lives in California and my parents, sister, and I live in Washington. Two whole states away, we could never afford to go visit. The last time we had been to California to see our family was 2002, I was seven at the time and an awkward kid.
The stress became too much to handle, something had to go... So, when I got sick one time in sophomore year, it was for a long time. I kept trying to go back, but my body was never ready. This became a pattern of being in school, three days a week out two. It went on for a good month and a half. My grades were suffering, badly. People noticed, I knew people noticed but no dared to ask.
I figured instead of out right ending my life, I would do something more subtle. Meals quickly became I thing that I didn't consume. I tried to starve myself to death...
It didn't work... it did develop into an eating disorder. Not bulimia or anorexia. It became a matter of eating one or two meals a day to keep up appearances, but hardly anything else. I do suffer from bouts of my disorder from time to time.
After my failed attempt at starving myself, I broke down. I confessed everything to my parents. I was a huge sobbing mess at the end of that confession. Everything... every single little thing that had been on my mind had been spilled. The suicide attempts, the self esteem issues, my stress from dad's health, grandpa, our financial problems, so many fears and little things. They all came out in one go.
I am so thankful that I have a family who I was able to tell this to.
Last year, it was a really stressful year. In March of 2017, I was going through a bout of depression. I was hopeless. 'Guys, I'm feeling suicidal. I'm not saying this for attention, I need to say this'
My parents and sister hugged me tightly, as if to keep me grounded. Then, together as a family, we tried to figure out a way to help me and everyone else stress less. My family is rock, my parents are really strong, for going through all of the shit, we've gone through. Never once have they complained, they've taken the situations and faced them head on. My parents are my heroes and I know that I will never be exactly like, but if I can be even one tenth of them then I will be happy.
Help is out there, you are not alone. It just takes just one thing to remind yourself that.
I will include information down below to suicide help line.
-ADF
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
1-800-273-8255
No comments:
Post a Comment